The Year of a Yearning Heart

It has been over two years since I last sat down to write, and OH how so much has changed. For starters, my baby that inspired the start of this blogging journey is now almost 3 years old. Plus, she is a big sister! Our second beautiful little girl is over a year old already, and what a gift it has been to watch these sweet girls learn and grow together.

Our Family 2024

2024 has come with quite the many challenges along the way, but I seek that through writing about it, I can feel God's hand in healing and restoring my heart. As a result of what we've gone through, there has been a tremendous growth in my testimony. I have never had to rely on the strength and peace of the Lord like I did this year. I have never fully laid my heart at the altar, desperate for His presence until this year. I have watched myself grow in spiritual disciplines, grow in trust of my Heavenly Father's plans, and grow in humility for what this life may bring.

I always had a vision for my family to grow at a pretty rapid rate. My first two children are 17 months apart. Exactly how I wanted it. I desire a large family, kids all close in age. If you've heard either of my birth stories, you know that pregnancy had been a blessing that was given quickly and simply for my two babies you see in the picture above. So, when that double pink line came again in July, I felt like everything was lining up perfectly for another year-and-a-half age gap.

Excited about the new life in my womb, we shared the news with family and close friends. Some of the women that are dearest to me are also all expecting within weeks of each other, excited to welcome a slew of April babies together... looking forward to share in the journey of pregnancy through this year, some for the first time, others for the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time.

I had been told, at my first ultrasound, about a sub-chorionic hematoma (basically a little blood sac) that was sitting alongside my baby, and that it could pass at some point throughout the pregnancy and cause some light bleeding. On September 10th, my day started normal. I felt tired, as any first trimester mom with two toddlers would. By mid-day I noticed some light spotting. I thought for sure this was from that pesky hematoma.

By the next morning, the bleeding hadn't stopped and now I was unhealthily scrutinizing every tiny thing I felt in my body. I decided to call my practice and come in for an ultrasound. A call to my husband, a call to my mom to meet me there to take the girls, the most nerve wrecking drive, and the longest 5 minutes of moving that cold wand in my body later...

"I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat."

That morning, September 11th, I had been reading through the Beatitudes, particularly getting stuck on Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

In the moment I was reading, I thought the Holy Spirit was using this verse as a way for me to comfort a friend who had just experienced the tragic loss of her best friend... But for some reason, I had not yet shared that with her.

While my husband and I sat in silence and sadness in that doctor's office, I shared that the Lord had given me this verse. HE was preparing my heart for the ache that it would feel. HE had given this verse and this prayer to me, for me, for us.

God, you see those who mourn, and You promise to comfort them. Please bring healing to my heart when I grieve. Give me hope when I am feeling hopeless, and strength when I am feeling overwhelmed. Show me how close You are in the midst of my mourning. In Jesus' name, Amen

Piece by piece my baby left my body, and piece by piece my heart broke for the future I thought we had together. But it was in this suffering that I HAD to rely on God's strength. I HAD to depend on the peace of the Holy Spirit. I HAD to sit at the Lord's feet and thank Him. Thank Him, that one day I will be reunited with my child in the Kingdom of Heaven. I may not know their face, but He does. He has my baby, Ahavah (love), carefully caring for and loving him/her as only the Almighty can.

Ahavah (Love)-- Joshua 1:9 This is my command: be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

As we continued to grieve, we also continued to hope. Hope for the continuation of growing our family. Hope for strength in whatever the Lord gives us next.

The weekend before Halloween, as I was reading, I fell on Romans 15:13."I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."

I immediately saved it to be a memory verse for my next child. I knew I needed to trust Him completely and He will give me hope and peace.

That Sunday morning, I got another positive pregnancy test.

Excitement followed by overwhelming nerves.

Pregnancy after a loss is not a simple challenge to navigate. I was counting days. I was, again, overanalyzing everything my body was doing: each hair lost, each ache in my tummy, each wave of nausea. Every trip to the bathroom came with a fearful check for the sight of blood. Blood work was done for my first prenatal appointment, and the results did not look like they should; my HCG was nowhere near doubling. With fear overwhelming my body I melted at the altar. I begged God not to take this baby from me. I pleaded with Jesus to take my fears away. What a blessing it was, and is, to be surrounded by people who are praying over me, carrying my burdens, and covering me with the peace of the Holy Spirit.

My practice never called to review the results of my bloodwork, and I still had weeks before my first ultrasound and next appointment. I chose to go to a "boutique" ultrasound tech in town the week of Thanksgiving and call to schedule an appointment with a new midwife at another practice.

The most beautiful "thump, thump, thump" I have ever heard was loud and proud on that ultrasound. My teeny tiny baby was measuring 6 weeks and 3 days. I thought if I could make it past 7 weeks 4 days (when we lost Ahavah), I would feel some relief. And I did, sort of... The Lord had his hands on this baby, whether that bloodwork looked good or not. He was with me, preparing this baby in my womb.

By 9 weeks, my body was not hiding the fact that I was pregnant anymore. I had now been pregnant 4 times in the span of 3 years. My body was ready to stretch and make room for this baby. I was looking forward to taking a family photo for Christmas to share our exciting news with everyone. I even held that little bump for a photo at my husband's Christmas work party.

Holding my sweet baby, Elpis.

The next morning, I went for my first appointment with my new midwife and an ultrasound. I had been feeling fine, no sign of blood or cramping, normal first trimester symptoms, all was well. In the car, as I was driving, I was overcome with fear. I immediately blasted worship music and cried out to the Lord to be my strength.

My little gummy bear was up there on that ultrasound screen, and I was thrilled. Little baby had grown to measure 9 weeks and 1 day (nearly exactly where I was estimating to be based on my 6 week ultrasound). But then I felt the change in atmosphere.

"I would like to go get another set of eyes to see your baby."

...

"I'm sorry, there is no fetal heartbeat."

I was alone. I was shocked. I was broken.

Why, Lord? But baby was growing, Lord... What is wrong with me, Lord? Am I not caring for your children well, Father? What do I do next, Father? Guide me, Holy Spirit.

I called my husband. Devastated. I called my mom. Heartbroken. I showed up to my best friend's house to pick up the girls and melted in her kitchen. I didn't know what to do next.

I have 8 weeks before they must intervene. 8 weeks for my body to go through the physically, and emotionally, painful process of miscarriage. Father, You are a miracle worker. I trust You. I need You.

We are a little over two weeks from learning about the still-heart of Elpis (hope). My body is still holding on to this baby in my womb. And I am still holding on to the strength and hope of my Heavenly Father. Whatever His plan is for this baby: do unto me, Father.

We are a family of 6. It may look different than I would have expected, but I have been blessed to carry 4 babies in my womb: two are living here on earth with me, one in heaven, and one waiting patiently in my womb. I yearn to continue the growth of our family. I yearn for the day I am reunited with my children who I have not yet met. I yearn for my faith to grow as we navigate life on earth.

If you have experienced pregnancy loss, take heart. Jesus is carrying your sweet baby, carefully loving them in heaven, awaiting the day of your reunion. If you are navigating pregnancy after a loss, let the Lord be your strength, your hope, your peace. I'd love to pray with you. I'd love to connect with you. Let us bear each other's burdens. Let us share the love of our Father with one another.